


The Tentacle Who Knew Too Much

by ThayerKerbasy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Day of the Tentacle, Creature Castiel, Creature Crowley, Episode: s06e22 The Man Who Knew Too Much, M/M, Tentacles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 05:49:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12764472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThayerKerbasy/pseuds/ThayerKerbasy
Summary: Supernatural, but angels and demons are tentacle creatures like from Day of the Tentacle.  Very canon divergent s06e22 but the meat of the thing is the same.





	The Tentacle Who Knew Too Much

Tracking down the ritual and collecting all of the necessary ingredients had been a long and arduous process, but Cas Tentacle and Crowley Tentacle were finally ready to open the gate to Purgatory. The events of the past several months flashed through Crowley’s mind like a television programme’s season finale recap — fighting off the heavenly blue tentacles who were determined to take over the world, struggling to keep the hellish red tentacles in line so none could steal Crowley Tentacle’s crown, keeping the Winchester brothers from discovering the plan. Honestly, everything involved in acquiring the blood of a Purgatory native probably could have been turned into a moderately interesting television programme if one were so inclined.

Crowley Tentacle dipped his tentacle tip into the jar of combined blood and drew the first lines of the diagram on the wall while Cas Tentacle went over the spell one last time. They were toeing the line between taking their time to get things right and rushing so they wouldn’t be interrupted by the Winchesters — or at least they would have toed the line if they had toes. Being a tentacle came with none of the useful appendages that humans had.

[ ](https://imgur.com/L1VRnrd)

The Winchesters were a touchy subject for the both of them. Cas Tentacle had wanted to tell them both the plan from the start, or at least Dean, but Crowley Tentacle knew that the boys would have tried to stop them. For awhile, it had been fun sending Sam and Dean out on mostly-pointless side quests to keep them out of the picture, but eventually they put the pieces together. It was all a sticky mess, and not the fun kind either.

Painting the last of the sigil on the wall, Crowley Tentacle wiped the blood off of himself with a handy cloth. There was a sound from the hallway that sounded something like the scuff of feet, which was certainly motivational. “That should do it. Now get to reading before the cavalry shows up.”

Holding the book containing the spell in his two pseudopod arms, Castiel Tentacle grumbled at him, but intoned the first syllables of the spell. From the doorway came a familiar voice, “Stop! You’re gonna get yourselves killed.”

Dean rushed into the room, followed closely by Bobby. It was a shame they were probably going to die — Crowley Tentacle actually quite enjoyed their company — but they were being ridiculously stubborn. How hard was it to understand that the world would end if he and Castiel Tentacle couldn’t gain control over the warring factions in Heaven and Hell?

Dropping the cloth, Crowley Tentacle slammed the pair into the wall with the merest flick of his topmost sucker, forcing them to drop their weapons. Another flick of his Hell-given powers sent the weapons skittering across the floor and out of their reach. Keeping the pair pinned there, he said to Cas Tentacle, “Get on with it, slick. We need to hurry this along.”

Cas Tentacle fixed him with a look that would have been a glare if tentacles had eyes. All the same, it still managed to convey the same thing as human glares, only more eloquently with fewer facial features. It was magnificent.

Keeping his attention focused on the door while holding Dean and Bobby against the wall, Crowley Tentacle was unprepared for the arrival of Sam and what appeared to be another Cas Tentacle in the middle of the room. Sam lunged forward and knocked the book out of original Cas Tentacle’s pseudopods, disrupting the spell. New Cas Tentacle interposed himself between Crowley Tentacle and the hunters pinned to the wall, spread his heavenly wings and powered up so bright, Crowley Tentacle had to turn away.

Rather than expose himself to danger, Crowley Tentacle teleported to the far corner of the room and summoned Juliet, his faithful hellbeast. It took only a moment for his wonderful tentacle pup to slither around the corner and tackle Sam, freeing up original Cas Tentacle to deal with new Cas Tentacle. Crowley took the opportunity to send Dean’s and Bobby’s weapons skittering out of the room and effectively out of the fight.

While Crowley Tentacle was sorely tempted to watch two identical Cas Tentacles grapple on the floor, he wasn’t about to leave Juliet to risk her hide facing a dangerous human with opposable thumbs all by herself. Turning away from the pair of unarmed hunters, he slammed Sam into the wall and claimed the hunter’s blade for himself, leaving Sam to face Juliet unarmed. Juliet eagerly took advantage of the moment and leapt on Sam, pinning him to the floor. Wrapping two of her long pseudopod limbs around Sam’s wrists, she sat on his chest and happily licked his face.

Sending the blade off into the hallway to join the other two, Crowley Tentacle then nudged open the book which original Cas Tentacle had dropped. As always, if he wanted something done right, he had to do it himself. Sam was dealt with, Cas and Cas were still wrestling on the floor — an event to which Crowley Tentacle probably could have sold tickets if he’d been made aware ahead of time — and Bobby had just snuck out into the hall, presumably following Dean to retrieve their lost weapons. If there was ever a time to finish the spell, that was it.

Crowley Tentacle found the page easily, given that it was the one with a folded-down corner. Seriously, Cas Tentacle had no respect for books. Stealing glances at the scene before him after each word, Crowley Tentacle picked up where Cas Tentacle left off. The Latin words were difficult without a human mouth, but Crowley Tentacle took his time and shaped each word precisely with his hellish tentacle equivalent.

He was on the final verse of the incantation when he was jumped from behind and hands slapped something over his mouth, cutting off his words. It was sticky and plasticky and altogether awful. While he was still trying to figure out how to remove the thing, he was grabbed by a pair of strong arms and held tight.

“Quit talkin’, you slimy bastard,” came Dean’s voice from behind him. “It’s over. Let it go.”

Bobby chose that moment to run into the room carrying an open jar, the contents of which he splashed all over Crowley Tentacle’s carefully painted sigil. Sam was happily petting Juliet and scratching behind her ears, and one of the Cas Tentacles held a knife to the other one, not that it mattered which one was which. The ritual was ruined.

It turned out to be new Cas Tentacle was the one with the knife, who then said, “This needs to stop, now. You were both about to make a terrible mistake.”

Crowley Tentacle slumped in Dean’s arms to mutely signal his surrender. He could have teleported away, but there was no point in fighting anymore. Drawing air through his skin, he mumbled against the plastic thing, “Gah difi offfaee.”

Kicking the book closed, Dean shook a finger in the vicinity of what passed for Crowley Tentacle’s face. “No funny business. Alright?”

Nodding his tip, Crowley Tentacle replied, “Mhm.”

Dean dug something small out of his pocket, worked it under the edge of the plastic thing until a bit was unstuck, then grabbed hold of the edge and pulled.

Crowley Tentacle had heard of doing something quickly to get the pain over with equated to “like ripping off a band-aid” but he had never had a frame of reference before. All of a sudden, the expression made perfect sense. The pain was exquisite and he wasn’t at all ashamed of yelling. “Bloody hell! Next time, buy me a drink first!”

Wiggling the thing between his fingers, Dean grinned. “Not a fan of the Galactic Cap, huh? Good to know. I was gonna try it, but I guess I’ll stick to Trojans.”

Still being held at knifepoint, original Cas Tentacle said, “I’m sure that’s all very funny to you, but how does any of this help us to get Heaven and Hell under control? If we don’t do something, there’s going to be an apocalypse.”

Free of Dean’s grip and that of the Galactic Cap, Crowley Tentacle stared at the flappy thing. “Dean? How readily available are those things or, if they’re not, how possible is it to procure them in a less-than-legal manner?”

“What?” replied Dean. “Why? What could you possibly want with— oh. Yeah, I gotcha. Uh, they’re mail order right now, but with wings we could easily be in ‘n’ out with none the wiser.”

Hands spread wide and brow furrowed, Bobby said, “Will someone _please_ tell me what the hell is goin’ on?”

Though he was incapable of human facial expressions, new Cas Tentacle was definitely showing signs of satisfaction. His suckers turned up and his colours shifted slightly, but he didn’t respond, so Crowley answered Bobby’s query, but watched the odd second Cas Tentacle. “If we can get your hands on enough of those sticky suckers, we can turn the tide of this war. It wouldn’t take long to trap and bind the higher ups, and it wouldn’t need to hold them long either. So long as we were to nab those in charge, we could toss them in a cell and end all this.”

Original Cas Tentacle perked up. “You mean, we can end the war and restore order without bloodshed?”

“Yup,” replied Dean. “We can plan and get ready today, grab what we need from the distributors tonight, then figure out our plan of attack tomorrow. Might take a few days longer than your plan to eat Purgatory, but this way nobody stands a chance of gettin’ blown up.”

“Seriously?” said Sam. “Cas, is this the plan you brought me here for? Breaking into an experimental alternative condom factory?”

New Cas Tentacle tilted slightly to one side. “I fail to see your issue with the plan. It stands a reasonable chance of success and should prevent the planet from being destroyed.”

Crowley Tentacle might not have known the Winchesters for long, but he was good at reading humans, and it was obvious that Sam required further convincing. “Believe you me, Moose. Those things were never going to be a success as their intended purpose. This, though? Saving the world? Seems like a respectable mission. Certainly better than the whole lot ending up in a landfill because the FDA will never approve them.”

“Okay, I just need one thing clarified,” said Dean. “Where the hell did a second Cas come from? And is there another Crowley, too? What about the rest of us?”

Glancing at original Cas Tentacle, new Cas Tentacle tentatively lowered his blade. “I traveled through time with Sam to help stop this ritual from reaching completion. Once it was made clear to me that I was in the wrong, I had to ensure the proper outcome.”

“Wait,” said original Cas Tentacle. “That means—”

Sam stopped original Cas Tentacle with a hand to his pseudopod shoulder. “You need to go and get now-me and make sure all this happens, or you’ll go through with the ritual and be evil forever.”

“Yes,” said new Cas Tentacle. “You can find the Sam from this time just outside Bobby’s house. He has escaped the panic room and is wandering, but will need you to repair what you broke.”

If tentacles had faces like humans did, original Cas Tentacle’s face would likely have been comical. “Sam!” Cas Tentacle slumped. “I broke your fragile human brain. I’m sorry for any pain I’ve caused you.”

Sam shook his head. “Whatever, it’s okay now, but if you want to go make it right, go find me and fix what you broke. Then the two of you — us, whatever — can come back here and set things right.”

Standing up straight, original Cas Tentacle nodded his tip and took off in a flutter of blue tentacle wings. New Cas Tentacle — who, with only one of them around, no longer needed a descriptor — hopped on the spot and caused the assembled ritual ingredients to vanish. “Now that everyone is in their proper time, we should get to work planning for tonight. Crowley, help me bring everyone to Bobby’s house.”

Without waiting for a response, Cas Tentacle, touched one pseudopod arm to Sam and the other to the ritual book and disappeared with both in a flutter of wings identical to his counterpart moments before. Juliet looked up mournfully at Crowley Tentacle, as if silently asking where her new friend had gone. Crowley Tentacle sighed and waved her off with a sucker. “Go on then. Go find him. I’ll be there shortly.”

That left him with both Dean and Bobby. Of course the winged wonder had left him with double the passengers, because that was fair or something. Sparing a moment to wish he had eyes to roll, Crowley Tentacle teleported over to Bobby and said, “Grab on, but mind the suckers.”

Hesitating briefly, Bobby touched a hand to Crowley Tentacle’s back — or what would have been a back on a human. The moment he had skin to skin contact, Crowley Tentacle zapped the two of them away to the salvage yard outside Bobby’s house. Shrugging free of Bobby’s light touch, Crowley Tentacle said, “Have fun planning with the lads and don’t wait up. Tell Cassie-boy he’ll need to go fetch Dean’s overinflated ego-mobile if he doesn’t want to wait for us to drive it back here.”

Bobby might have had something to say in response, but it would have undoubtedly been empty threats or pointless questions to which he already had the answers, and Crowley Tentacle did so enjoy getting the last word, so off he zapped back to where Dean remained. Dean was pacing the room and actually jumped a little when Crowley Tentacle reappeared, which was all sorts of gratifying.

Cutting off the inevitable protest, Crowley Tentacle said, “I know, I know, you won’t leave your shaggin’ wagon. Gather up your pigstickers and let’s get going. I already told the others we’d be awhile.”

“Right,” said Dean. “The car. That’s…definitely why I was pacing, yeah.”

Shifting his topmost sucker, Crowley Tentacle managed to make it look like he had raised his non-existent eyebrows. “Hmm. Unless… you were contemplating the Trojan in your back pocket and considering where I’d wear one. Good news, darling. We have a long drive back during which there should be more than one stop in which we can perform such experiments. For science, of course.”

Dean’s face contorted in an exaggerated grimace. “What? No. That’s not what I was thinking at all! Shut up and go get in the car.”

Crowley Tentacle smirked and followed Dean out of the building, pausing to grab knives and guns along the way. He hadn’t missed the way Dean’s eyes had darted up and down, still visibly speculating. The apocalypse was all but averted, the demonic uprising soon to be taken care of, and Crowley Tentacle was content to put them both out of his head for the duration of their travels in favour of much more entertaining possibilities.

Dean made it all the way back to the car before asking, “Goddammit, where _would_ you wear one?”

**Author's Note:**

> It's Coldest Hits time again!! This month's theme was [Galactic Tentacles](http://spncoldesthits.tumblr.com/post/167530762830/mayalaen-galactic-tentacles-spncoldesthits), in which the stories needed to include both tentacles and Galactic Cap "condoms" (not FDA approved). I decided my tentacles needed to be of the variety found in [Day of the Tentacle](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0203441/?ref_=nv_sr_1)  
> For those of you (most of fandom) who aren't as old as me, it's okay, I haven't really referenced the story of that video game too much, just borrowed their awesome tentacles.
> 
>  ~~Instead of leaving me kudos, I highly recommend you go check out the[other amazing tentacle fics](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/SPNColdestHits) for this month and leave kudos for them. I'll happily take your comments, but send your kudos elsewhere (at least for this week). There's a broad variety of bizarre in that link, so I hope you find something great.~~ Thanks to everyone who refrained. This month's challenge is now over, the points are being tallied, and kudos are now not only welcomed but encouraged. I'd love to hear what you liked. And if you feel like watching me wrestle with words, you can follow me on tumblr as @thayerkerbasy


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